With grace

Sometimes I find myself lost in bitter thoughts. I wonder why I have to be the one scarred and battling this disease. Why didn't God give me the gift of beauty and health? What makes these other people so lucky that they can flaunt their looks and be in perfect health while I have to suffer? What did I do wrong...All I can hope is that someday I will be beautiful, I will be healthy, and I will understand these hard questions. When I wonder all these things, I am without grace. But its real, and I always try to bring myself back to a place of grace because that is the only place I wish to be in. I am human, and I truly don't understand...but I can still exist without these thoughts if I train my mind.

Tears

I lay in bed, trying to decide if I am hot or cold, trying to decide if I want tea or water, trying to stop crying because I can't be doing the things I wish I could be. Yesterday I received 2 pints of fresh blood, so my energy is up. But the day before, I received a "big" chemo treatment, which knocks me down that much more. Almost everything makes me cry. I just got a kitten but she is sick so I can't even spend time with her because its too dangerous to my health. I want to be outside, running around under the big sun, laying in fields of grass with people I love. All my best friends are so far from me; even though Flagstaff is right there, for me it is a world away. I wish with all my heart that this disease would melt away and never come back. I hope that days like these never repeat themselves in my future. I pray every day that this treatment is working, that I never have to hear those words come out of my doctor's mouth (there's nothing more we can do for you). I know that God only gives us as much as we can handle, but I can hardly handle this. What would I do if this treatment didn't work? It would be so hard to hold on to the little bit of hope I have right now. The mustard seed of faith that I carry would be put through the biggest test it's ever been through. But I can't even think like that; all I can do is take it day by day, setting small goals for myself. Today, my goal is to be able to go down to the creek, sit on the rocks, listen to the water, and watch the sun set. That is all I can do at this point, and I have no choice but to be okay with it.

For the Moments I Feel Faint

I will get through this because I have to. I will graduate from college. I will have a family. I will have a story to tell. I will die at a ripe old age, sweetly and when I am ready. I am not ready yet. This cancer will leave my body, and I will live a life that will be full of health and laughter and love. For the moments I feel faint, I will remember this is only temporary. This is my hero's journey, and I owe it to myself, and all my supporters to complete it. I will never stop fighting, I will listen to my heart and to my God, I will not listen to people who tell me there is no hope. I will live with this disease forever, but the point is that I will LIVE. I will pull myself out of my moments of depression and make the best of each moment. I will get through this...because I have to.

Make me strong

A moth who must break free of its cocoon goes through a period of immense struggle. When we see this happening, we want to help the moth, we wish to ease it's struggle and help it get out of its cocoon so it can live the life it is meant to. But if we don't let this moth work, struggle, and fight to get break free on it's own, it will be too weak to survive. Myself, and many others, just like the moth need to go through the battle to break free in order to come out on the other side as a survivor, as an individual with the strength to carry on in ways they never could have before. To my Lord I pray...make my wings strong.

How many ways to die

Lately, I find myself thinking about people who die in car accidents. So many people, every day, gone in the blink of an eye. What an awful way to lose someone..no sense of closure or any time to reconcile past issues. Just like that, life is gone. It makes me understand even more how fragile our lives are. When my mind goes to that place where I begin pondering my own death, I am thankful that, thus far, I have not been taken in such an abrupt way. If this disease I am battling ultimately ends in death, at least I was given time to make it a point to appreciate life. Every single day is such a blessing. I watched the movie Koyaanisqatsi, which in the hopi language means "life out of balance". I see how everyone scurries about, with so many things they think they need to be doing but really...we have made living too complicated. I have found a renewed sense of appreciation for the smallest things, because it is those things that make life balance. Looking outside and noticing the speed and patterns of the clouds going by my window, listening to the birds communicate their secrets with each other, looking into the eyes of my dog...these things always brought me enjoyment before, but now they bring me inspiration. I have never felt so much happiness after seeing a small green blade of a new wildflower creeping up in my garden. I put the seed in the soil, watered it, and sent love to it, hoping that it would result in life. Even though this flower will eventually wither and die, it is here now for me to enjoy and I am so thankful for that. If I allow my mind to wander from the present moment to the future, I feel the sadness creeping from the thought of this flower not being here forever. But at that point, I take my mind back and place it in the moment, with the flower and I happily existing with no expiration date on the horizon. The balance of my life now comes from understanding that an existence on this earth is limited to every single person; we all have an expiration date, be it cancer or a drunk driver who kills us. However, if we spend every moment enjoying the smallest pleasures this 3rd rock from the sun has to offer, who really cares how long it will last? Be here now, and then exist on forever within the secrets of the universe. With that thought in mind, it makes it hard for me to fear death.

The Eleventh Hour

Rescue me from hanging on this line- I won't give up on giving you the chance to blow my mind.

Never give up

A new path

I stay up late, because sometimes sleep can be haunting. If I wake up too early, I wish I could sleep forever when I realize this is not a dream. I have cancer, and I can count the number of years I have lived on my fingers and toes. I think to myself, what did I do wrong? Why would this happen to me, and not to a bad person? These questions keep me connected to that obnoxious human side of me, the side that simply doesn't understand. But in my higher self, I know exactly why this has come upon me. I asked God for months to help me stop smoking, and stop drinking; living in a constant state of that all around me made it almost impossible for me to stop on my own. I had many opportunities to stop trying to leave my mind and numb it with substances, but I never stopped. That is, until I had no choice. I knew I was sick, I knew something was off, but at 20 years old the last thing I would imagine was that I had cancer. I am fully in it now, physically and mentally. I have shaved my head, after 2 years of trying to grow the long hair I had been dreaming of. I have changed my diet entirely. I can't imagine ever smoking or drinking again. There are so many positive things that have come as a result of this diagnosis; the only thing I need to continue to work on is letting go of the fear of death, and letting go of the people who do not support my beliefs and thus hinder my work towards a complete and miraculous healing. This is the hardest thing I and my family have ever been faced with. Some days we all break down and cry, still in disbelief. But no matter what, we pull through; we know there is no other choice but to move forward. No one knows how much time they have left, so we all must do the best we can with the time that is given to us.