With grace

Sometimes I find myself lost in bitter thoughts. I wonder why I have to be the one scarred and battling this disease. Why didn't God give me the gift of beauty and health? What makes these other people so lucky that they can flaunt their looks and be in perfect health while I have to suffer? What did I do wrong...All I can hope is that someday I will be beautiful, I will be healthy, and I will understand these hard questions. When I wonder all these things, I am without grace. But its real, and I always try to bring myself back to a place of grace because that is the only place I wish to be in. I am human, and I truly don't understand...but I can still exist without these thoughts if I train my mind.

Tears

I lay in bed, trying to decide if I am hot or cold, trying to decide if I want tea or water, trying to stop crying because I can't be doing the things I wish I could be. Yesterday I received 2 pints of fresh blood, so my energy is up. But the day before, I received a "big" chemo treatment, which knocks me down that much more. Almost everything makes me cry. I just got a kitten but she is sick so I can't even spend time with her because its too dangerous to my health. I want to be outside, running around under the big sun, laying in fields of grass with people I love. All my best friends are so far from me; even though Flagstaff is right there, for me it is a world away. I wish with all my heart that this disease would melt away and never come back. I hope that days like these never repeat themselves in my future. I pray every day that this treatment is working, that I never have to hear those words come out of my doctor's mouth (there's nothing more we can do for you). I know that God only gives us as much as we can handle, but I can hardly handle this. What would I do if this treatment didn't work? It would be so hard to hold on to the little bit of hope I have right now. The mustard seed of faith that I carry would be put through the biggest test it's ever been through. But I can't even think like that; all I can do is take it day by day, setting small goals for myself. Today, my goal is to be able to go down to the creek, sit on the rocks, listen to the water, and watch the sun set. That is all I can do at this point, and I have no choice but to be okay with it.

For the Moments I Feel Faint

I will get through this because I have to. I will graduate from college. I will have a family. I will have a story to tell. I will die at a ripe old age, sweetly and when I am ready. I am not ready yet. This cancer will leave my body, and I will live a life that will be full of health and laughter and love. For the moments I feel faint, I will remember this is only temporary. This is my hero's journey, and I owe it to myself, and all my supporters to complete it. I will never stop fighting, I will listen to my heart and to my God, I will not listen to people who tell me there is no hope. I will live with this disease forever, but the point is that I will LIVE. I will pull myself out of my moments of depression and make the best of each moment. I will get through this...because I have to.