I lay in bed, trying to decide if I am hot or cold, trying to decide if I want tea or water, trying to stop crying because I can't be doing the things I wish I could be. Yesterday I received 2 pints of fresh blood, so my energy is up. But the day before, I received a "big" chemo treatment, which knocks me down that much more. Almost everything makes me cry. I just got a kitten but she is sick so I can't even spend time with her because its too dangerous to my health. I want to be outside, running around under the big sun, laying in fields of grass with people I love. All my best friends are so far from me; even though Flagstaff is right there, for me it is a world away. I wish with all my heart that this disease would melt away and never come back. I hope that days like these never repeat themselves in my future. I pray every day that this treatment is working, that I never have to hear those words come out of my doctor's mouth (there's nothing more we can do for you). I know that God only gives us as much as we can handle, but I can hardly handle this. What would I do if this treatment didn't work? It would be so hard to hold on to the little bit of hope I have right now. The mustard seed of faith that I carry would be put through the biggest test it's ever been through. But I can't even think like that; all I can do is take it day by day, setting small goals for myself. Today, my goal is to be able to go down to the creek, sit on the rocks, listen to the water, and watch the sun set. That is all I can do at this point, and I have no choice but to be okay with it.
Dear Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI hope you are having a good day today. I’m sorry that you are going through this.
Who am I? My name is Ben. I live in New Jersey and work in Manhattan, right in Times Square. I call it “the land of the big” because everything is big – big buildings, big ads, big billboards, big ideas, big money, big stores, etc.. Millions of people travel from around the world to come see this place. I sit in an office overlooking Times Square. Every day from behind glass I see thousands of people out bustling around, consumed (and maybe distracted) by the big city lights, the noise, other tourists, cars, sirens of police cars and fire trucks, Broadway Theatre, and more.
But I’ve been thinking about you everyday. I think about you mostly in the morning when I’m on the bus, commuting from New Jersey into Manhattan, which takes about an hour. I try and hold you in my mind during this time and pray for you. I pray for you to be strong and that the disease leaves your body. I think that maybe if we all pull our energy together, it can help. I believe it does.
I had a vision the other day that was pretty awesome. Let me see if I can describe it. Imagine a drain, a tube, with water pouring out. On the edge of the drain was what I think, was you hanging by your finger tips. Polluted water was coming out of the drain and pouring over you, then falling down like a water fall. This was preventing you from climbing up to safety. As I prayed, the picture got a little bigger (the camera pulled back so to speak), the lens a little wider. I could see that the drain was about 100 feet up from where the dark water was pooling below, and obviously a very dangerous situation. You couldn’t let go, you couldn’t climb up. I kept praying for you, please I thought, help Amanda Rae, help this girl from Arizona, she’s too young, don’t let her fall, give her strength to climb up. Stop putting her in this situation! The camera pulled back further and I could tell that I was within a giant rectangular room a couple thousand feet high and that this was within rock, inside the earth. The drain was high from the pooling water but near the base of this enormous chasm. I felt as though I had a perspective of the enormity and gravity of the situation that you are going through. I didn’t give up. Instead I kept trying to send you my energy to help you climb up into the drain to at least get to some kind of safety. The camera zoomed in slowly and whatever was coming out of the drain finally slowed and then stopped. The inside of the drain became bright and then pure white and finally absolutely spotless clean. Then you were able to climb into the drain and it sealed up behind you. It was as if all the poison had come out and it was finished.
Am I crazy? Nope, I tell ppl to go ahead and wake me up when something normal happens in this world.
I want you to hang on Amanda. I want you to realize there are people thinking of you that you don’t even know, please. Don’t give up. Someday, you will come to New York and I’ll show you the view from the top of the world.
I want everyone that reads this to spend time each day thinking and praying for you, Amanda Rae. Just do it ppl. Do it for a solid hour everyday. She needs us, right now.
Peace,
Ben
bengeorgia@yahoo.com
p.s. of course you can write me if you wish.