A new path

I stay up late, because sometimes sleep can be haunting. If I wake up too early, I wish I could sleep forever when I realize this is not a dream. I have cancer, and I can count the number of years I have lived on my fingers and toes. I think to myself, what did I do wrong? Why would this happen to me, and not to a bad person? These questions keep me connected to that obnoxious human side of me, the side that simply doesn't understand. But in my higher self, I know exactly why this has come upon me. I asked God for months to help me stop smoking, and stop drinking; living in a constant state of that all around me made it almost impossible for me to stop on my own. I had many opportunities to stop trying to leave my mind and numb it with substances, but I never stopped. That is, until I had no choice. I knew I was sick, I knew something was off, but at 20 years old the last thing I would imagine was that I had cancer. I am fully in it now, physically and mentally. I have shaved my head, after 2 years of trying to grow the long hair I had been dreaming of. I have changed my diet entirely. I can't imagine ever smoking or drinking again. There are so many positive things that have come as a result of this diagnosis; the only thing I need to continue to work on is letting go of the fear of death, and letting go of the people who do not support my beliefs and thus hinder my work towards a complete and miraculous healing. This is the hardest thing I and my family have ever been faced with. Some days we all break down and cry, still in disbelief. But no matter what, we pull through; we know there is no other choice but to move forward. No one knows how much time they have left, so we all must do the best we can with the time that is given to us.